I’ve sometimes been called a bull in a china shop, which is strange only because I’ve never actually shopped for china. Wait. Is china made in China? Everything is made in China. Are there bulls in China? That’s an answer only Google and 1.7 billion people know. So many questions, though. You can see why I just brush it off.

Anyway, that just got me thinking about those silly phrases people say sometimes, which often just make no sense to me. A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush? Please, keep your birds in your bushes, as I’d rather not get the (bird) flu. See what I mean? Not only does that phrase make absolutely no sense, but also the only bird I want in my hand has already been deep-fried. Please do not put my KFC in a bush.

But hold on, there are more! Oh, so many more!

A fool and his money are soon parted. Oh, please, even if I was going to use an example other than the Kardashian clan, which there is absolutely no need to, clearly, we are the fools who give fools more money.

A leopard cannot change its spots. OK, they can’t, but we don’t have spots. Well, we might, but they usually go away after a quick stint with Proactiv+. Can we change as people? I think so. Is it for the worse most of the time? Probably. Perhaps we should change it to a leopard shouldn’t change its spots because then it’ll probably be a grumpy leopard who doesn’t want to call grandma anymore and is always right about everything.

Actions speak louder than words. All I have stuck in my head is that commercial where the mom says to her son, “Saying it and doing it are two different things.” I’m pretty sure I actually agree with this one, despite someone always yelling to me to turn the TV down because the action sequence really is louder than just words. Oh, and by the way – words are great, too, lovely magazine readers!

Be careful what you wish for. That’s just silly. I get that often there are unforeseen consequences when you get the thing you wanted, but are those consequences truly worse than whatever life was before your wish was granted? Or, should we just be really specific with our wishes, crafting such a carefully worded wish that it becomes a rambling rant (you have to watch out for yourself, right?), and the genie falls asleep? What happens then? Nobody knows.

Behind every great man there’s a great woman. Kind of creepy, no? But I guess that this at least gives me the opportunity to hold the door open for her. Chivalry isn’t dead!

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I choose “eat it,” every single time.

Curiosity killed the cat. But the first eight times, the cat was fine…

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. I’ll worry about this one when someone gifts me horse. (A pony will do).

The good die young. OK, this is probably my least favorite, mostly because I can’t figure out what it means. First off, is it a good thing? I doubt it. Anyway, you try to dissect it. First off, my grandmother is a sweetheart who lives vibrantly to this day. Yes, grandma, I’ll call you soon…

Secondly though, and all humor aside, I’ve known great people and not-so-great people who have died way before their time, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I think everyone should have the opportunity to enjoy life to their fullest, and in doing so they are not good or bad. How you choose to live your life is totally up to you. After all, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

By Brandon Goldstein

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