I love summer. Well, my actual favorite is fall and spring is a close second, but then I guess summer comes next – a bronze medal, if you would. But I do have reason for this: I like my seasons like I like my John Stamos – effortlessly cool.

Now summer is anything but cool, but lucky for us, we have technology that makes us cool, and so this is my article about not throwing shade (cool pop-culture reference) at the things that keep us cool.

Shade

I tell people this was man’s greatest discovery. We were living our merry, hot lives until someone realized that you can just walk to a darker area shielded from the sun’s hot rays and, wow, it’s not as hot! Although Octavious Augustus Shade was no doctor, he sure made his mark on history and opened our eyes to the fact that in shade, we can in fact keep our eyes squint free and our shirts sweat free. He was one of history’s most forgotten geniuses, if you ask me.

Misting Fans

I couldn’t confidently give fans that don’t mist any credit here. The idea of sitting in hot air then allowing that hot air to just be blown at me is as awful as it sounds. However, and this is a big however, you get one of those fans that spray cold water at you and you have left yourself an inedible mark on the history of coolness.

The Air Conditioner

This one is almost as big as shade. The air conditioner is definitely a top 5 invention of all time. It’s up there with the wheel and it probably sits right before the iPhone. Just think about those times when you’re walking past Circuit City (RIP) on a hot day and the automatic doors open and a blast of chilled air hits you. That’s what I imagine the feeling is like when you’re first welcomed into heaven.

The Personal AC

OK, so I never had one of these and I guess they didn’t work very well because they couldn’t keep Sharper Image from the heat of bankruptcy but still – does anyone remember those little “personal ACs” that you wore around your neck? Some must still exist today. Did they work? I always wanted one but I was just a mere boy, and mere boys didn’t get to wear cool portable ACs around their necks, or so my mom said.

Fans that blow under the covers

Have you seen this gizmo? I know nothing about it but apparently it does just that: give you a soothing breeze under the sheets while you sleep. Sounds heavenly. Amazon.com, here I come!

The Chillow

Yes, we’ve reached The Chillow. They said nothing beats the cool side of the pillow until your whole pillow is always cool all night. That’s the dream, or I should say…that’s the dream I no longer have to dream on my dreamy cool Chillow.

By Brandon Goldstein

 

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