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Old Man Winter has finally thrown in the towel and taken his icy temperatures and barren emptiness to a place where they will be more welcome, perhaps Siberia or the North Pole or Martin Shkreli’s soul. But here, in Bergen County, winter’s harsh conditions have been replaced by warmer temperatures, longer days, and a strange compulsion to “Spring Clean.”

Ah, spring cleaning. As colorful birds and beautiful foliage make everything outside our homes look lovely, we begin to notice just what a cluttered mess everything inside our homes has become over the winter, and some of us feel compelled to take action.

Let’s be honest here: We all have too much stuff. Digging through my closet last week, I realized that I own three pairs of snow boots. Three pair! I rarely go out in the snow, but the maximum amount of boots I’ll wear at a time is 4.

Looking around my home at the clutter that has found its way onto almost every flat surface, I stood and made a solemn resolution: I will Spring Clean and not stop until my home looks like it has been ripped from the pages of Good Housekeeping, rather than admiring the centerfold for Hoarders Monthly. Sorry, but she was a hott mess!

I resolved to get rid of anything I did not absolutely need to survive. I resolved to be merciless in my junk cleanse, to toss out unnecessary items regardless of their sentimental value or, in the case of a little plastic hula girl figure that dances when you poke her, how cool it looks on my bedroom dresser.

I then thought back to the last time I made resolutions, which was, not surprisingly, on New Year’s Eve. I resolved to lose weight, get in shape, and stop drinking. Okay, I’m 0-for-3 with those, but this resolution would be different! I can do this! I will Spring Clean like Martha Stewart hopped up on Red Bull. To prove my point, I grabbed the little hula girl figure and tossed her into a plastic trash bag I had labeled “Donations.” That little gal will soon be doing her adorable hula dance for a needy child in Rwanda or Ethiopia or at the Octomom’s house, I thought proudly.

Inspired by my selfless act, I looked around my bedroom for more things to throw into the bag. There! On my nightstand! An issue of Sports Illustrated from 2015, the headline on the cover touting their bold predictions for Super Bowl 50. Well, since that event took place in February, I could just get rid of this obsolete and outdated magazine. However, there did seem to have some interesting articles inside… so I grabbed a beer (we’ve already gone over how that resolution went) and sat down to do some reading. About halfway through one of the articles I realized that a ball game was about to start on TV, and that I needed another beer. So I turned on the TV and ran to the fridge and, long story short, I woke up on Day 2 of Spring Cleaning with only that lonely little hula girl in the bag. Hey, there’s always next spring.

You can follow Mike at on twitter at @mikemorsesays

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